The Afterlife Automated Customer Service System - Tallulah

Thank you for calling The Afterlife Automated Customer Service System. To use this system, you must have a touch tone phone. To continue instructions in English, press one. Para las instrucciones en español, prensa dos.

1

Thank you. Please listen to the following menu options, as our menu has changed. If you worship: Allah, press one. Buddha, press two. Jesus AND God, press three. God only, press four. Shiva, press five. All other miscellaneous spirits, deities, or mystic forces, press six. Athiests, please hang up and dial 1-888-DED-NGON. To repeat this menu, press star.

3

Thank you. You have selected Jesus AND God. If this is correct, press the pound key.

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Thank you. To apply for entry into Heaven, press one. To confess your sins, press two. To check on the status of a previous entry request, press three.

1

Thank you. Using the touch tone keypad, please enter your last name, followed by the pound key.

J-O-N-E-S#.

Thank you. “JONES” is a common last name. Please enter your first and middle names followed by the pound key.

R-H-O-N-D-A-M-A-R-G-A-R-E-T#.

Thank you. “RHONDA MARGARET JONES”. For verification purposes, please enter your Mother’s maiden name, followed by the pound key.

H-A-R-D-I-W-I-C-K#.

Thank you. HARDIWICK is not correct. Our records indicate you were adopted. Please enter your biological mother’s maiden name.

0

I’m sorry, zero is not a recognized entry. Please enter your biological mother’s maiden name followed by the pound key.

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Thank you. You have pressed only the pound key. This shows you do not know how to follow directions, RHONDA MARGARET JONES. It’s not your fault, you inherited this gene from your biological mother. She was a slut. She got knocked up at 16 when Tommy Greenbaum promised her if she let him take off her panties, her acne would clear up. You were born in Brooklyn at the “St. Beneficio Home for Wanton, Loose Girls”. Your mother gave you to the Jones’, then moved to San Francisco to become a groupie for Journey. Her last name was O’Hara. Please enter your biological mother’s maiden name followed by the pound key.

O-H-A-R-A#

Thank you. Our records indicate that you have not been to Church in thirteen years. If this is true, press one. If this is false, press two. If you went on a couple of Christmas Eve and Easter Sunday Masses, but did not put money in the bowl, press three.

3

Thank you. You are a liar. You haven’t been to church since 1991, when U2 was in town and you heard a rumor Bono might show up at Mass. You haven’t touched a Bible in at least ten years, unless you count the time you rearranged your couch and needed something to prop up the corner with the broken leg. Shame on you. But then, your biological mother was a slut, so you can’t be blamed. Plus, you’re half Jewish. It’s to be expected. Our records indicate you have performed a good number of sins which remain unconfessed and unrepented. If you have had unmarried sex, same sex encounters, group sex, or fetish sex, press one. For marijuana, press two. For all other illegal drugs, press six to go straight to Hell. Just kidding. For voting Democrat, press three. Republican, press six to go straight to Hell. Not kidding. For coveting, theft, murder, and all other broken commandments, press four.

1

Thank you. Yes, RHONDA MARGARET JONES, we know all about you. You take after your biological mother. She was a slut. And don’t try and pass it off as an “experimental phase”. What you did with that couple from Wetumka was shameless. Jesus did not die so you can wear studded leather boy shorts and find clever new uses for marachino cherries.

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Thank you. Hey! Don’t interrupt me! Do you want to get into Heaven or what? Why is it you people these days think you can just waltz right in and get valet parking at the pearly gates? Who the hell do you think you are, missy? Mother Fucking Theresa? Ha! Yours is most assuredly not a slam dunk. Take a number, sweet cheeks. There are a lot of other sinners in line ahead of you, RHONDA MARGARET JONES. How’s Purgatory sound, eh? An eternity in limbo, bunking with shoplifters, personal injury lawyers, and Paris Hilton, all waiting eons to have their cases reviewed?

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Thank you. You already tried that, dipshit. Didn’t I tell you not to interrupt? And on the seventh day God said, “Let there be light, because RHONDA MARGARET JONES sure ain't very bright”. Besides, all our Operators are currently helping other customers. The present hold time is fifty two years. To go straight to Hell, disconnect. To return to the main menu, press the star key. To really set me off, press zero again!

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Thank you. Please listen to the following menu options, as our menu has changed. If you worship: Allah, press one. Buddha, press two. Jesus AND God, press three. God only, press four. Shiva, press five. All other miscellaneous spirits, deities, or mystic forces, press six. Athiests, please hang up and dial 1-888-DED-NGON. To repeat this menu, press star.

2

Thank you. You have selected Buddha. If this is correct, press the pound key.

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Thank you. To apply for entry into Nirvana, press one. For Reincarnation, press two. To become one with the universe, press three…